Cash machines, aka ATMs, never the funnest of things are they? Useful, yes, when they're being friendly. Offensive, also, when they're not. And goddamned annoying whenever anyone except you yourself are using them. It should be nigh-on illegal for anyone to perform any transaction longer than a simply enter pin, select cash, no receipt, OK, take card, take money, go. Why they built such inane options in as print statement, or the ability to put your card in twice in a row without receiving a fatal electric shot, only Lord Banker knows.

Anyway, in recent times, they've become more "fun". They speak Cockney, some of them.

Well 5 of them do, all in London, that being where the hilarity that is Cockney originates. You know it well, apple and pears, trouble and strife, etc. Check this screenshot:

Upon choosing the option to converse with your robo-bank in Cockney, a multitude of Laarrndon banter is yours to enjoy. For any foreigners, not familiar with the scheme, you simply have to think of a relevant word that rhymes with the last word of the slang. They have made it easier than many of the more Cockney-oriented verbal traditionalists by including at least the word that rhymes with the real one (and sometimes even include the translation verbatim, totally ruining the fun); here being a few examples

• Charlie Sheen: screen
• Sky Rocket: pocket
• Rattle and tank: bank
• Sausage and mash: cash
• Huckleberry Finn: PIN
• Fleet Street: receipt (maybe??)
• Bladder of lard: card
• Speckled hen: ten (£)

Whilst the company involved "Bank Machine" claims it is a morally worthy effort to keep dialects alive in Britain, and plans Brummie, Geordie, Scouse and Scottish versions.

However the Poorhouse is not entirely sure how it's going down with the genuine articles mind. Despite Bank Machine's assurances that the locals "will be genuinely pleased as this is the first time a financial services provider will have recognised the Cockney language in such a manner", Roy Parker, 62, an absolutely genuine real Cockney, says that Real Cockneys "put it under the mattress" in any case. At least one apparently was destroyed pretty quickly; or as The Register put it, it is now Daffy (Ducked).

Rumoured locations, should you fancy a butcher's, thanks to Mr Burcher.

• Murco Service Station, Hatch Lane, Chingford, London, E4 6LP
• 447 Roman Road, London, E3 5LX
• 73 Commercial Street, London, E1 6BD
• 24 High Street, Walthamstow, London E17 7LD
• 197 Mays Lane, Barnet, EN5 2DY