Last month, a cow-related story swept the media-waves. It was reported that not only are the formerly-regarded human traits of lesbianism and grudge-holding potentially rife in our bovine friends, but moreover they also have regional accents.

Lloyd Green, a Glastonbury farmer, came to the fore saying "I spend a lot of time with my ones and they definitely moo with a Somerset drawl.". The mind boggles. In his view it is all down to that special relationship between owner and future hamburger - "The closer a farmer's bond is with his animals, the easier it is for them to pick up his accent.". But all is not necessarily as it seems.

The various reproductions of the story also usually cite expert opinion to back up the likelihood of these geographic variations in the pronunciation of "moo". Notably, a Professor of Phonetics from the University of London called John Wells. Says the professor:

This phenomenon is well attested in birds. You find distinct chirping accents in the same species around the country. This could also be true of cows. In small populations such as herds you would encounter identifiable dialectical variations which are most affected by the immediate peer group.

Ah, science has confirmed the anecdotal evidence? Um...not necessarily. Because the professor did not actually say those words. From his blog:

I was telephoned by a public relations consultant on behalf of a cheese manufacturing company in Somerset. Was it possible, they asked, that the local cows might moo with a west-of-England accent? I told them that I thought it was highly unlikely, but that there had been serious research showing that various species of bird exhibit geographical variation in their calls. And if birds and human beings have local accents, you can’t entirely rule out that cows might too.

It seems then this story was largely a PR stunt by a company out to sell (regional) cheese, which as astute readers may already know, most often comes from a cow. The PR company working on behalf of West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers somehow managed to interpret the professor's "...highly unlikely..." into a "This phenomenon is well attested..." and produce evidence for this probable non-story, which originally came from a guy who dresses cows up in coats and plays them classical music whilst tugging on their teats, from nowhere.

The Language Log goes on to repeat Professor Wells' claims of being seriously misquoted, adding in the salient point that in this day and age of profit-first globalisation, "cows…do not in general form stable isolated populations such as would presumably be necessary to allow such regional diversity to develop".

It's an entertaining story though, so let's hope it's true anyway. A conversation between a Cockney cow and a Birmingham bull would surely be more entertaining than most things on this planet.