The Poorhouse is getting quite excited at the nearness of Christmas - the time of celebration, joy, generosity...and finding exciting new ways to offend people. Let's start with unique and special Christmas trees.

Mr Alan Parkin followed the increasingly overt and exhibitionistic trend of insisting on shoving his Christmas decorations outside his house. Sticking his 10-foot tree - described by the Mirror as his "jolly green giant" - up and enveloping it in tasteful red and white lights was a high priority. Residents in his local town of Penis Tone Penistone however did not share his jubilance at having created such an artwork.

Caress to enlargeComplaints arose that the tree, naturally, was in the shape of a man's privates. Yes, it was a giant conifer cock. "It's just obscene. We shouldn't have to put up with it" said one earnest do-gooder. They even sent the police round to at least remove the genital illumination feature.

Just to break the stereotype of elderly church-goers, Constance, 60+, was not at all phased, saying "it doesn't bother me". She thinks the complainers a little over-pious, subscribing herself to the live-and-let-live philosophy of existence. Although her admirable liberal tendencies are arguably slightly reduced in stature after finding out she thought it was likely a mushroom in the first place.

As it turns out, Alan wasn't that bothered about it anyway, and apparently has already removed the offending article.