Tesco ...it may basically own you and your planet, and indulges in an indecent amount of world-ruining evil-doing to please its share-holders whenever possible, but it seems it does share one Poorhouse trait - the concept of what constitutes luxury items.

Yes, the weekend was so fascinating it became necessary to flick through the illness-inducing nonsense that constitutes modern-day groceries just to keep the brain active. Imagine the Poor-joy when finding the "Special Occasion shelf" within the biscuit aisle. Surely this would be the nearest to heaven section available in Tesco, full of chocolate marshmallow caramel laden crunch beautiful oaty hobnoby goodness? YUM! Biscuits so tasty you could only rationally eat them on real down-to-earth special occasions, as their site claimed, must be god-damn fine, no? Well of course. The 2nd entry down on this shelf did indeed remind the Poorhouse of special times, and his agreement as to suitability is probably why people don't like to come visit all that much. See below for the glory.

Yes, the very definition of special occasion food - Christmas, for instance or maybe a once-in-a-lifetime wedding reception. The visitation of the queen, or perhaps your 21st birthday - all (arguably, for us non-Royalists) massively important special occasions in ones' lives, all complemented by the finest-of-the-finest that is 400grams of Tesco's Value Custard Cream biscuits, rrp £0.24p. Consider it basketed.

PS: Mr Tesco, don't compound your evil by suggesting that a healthier option to Value Custard Creams is Tesco Garibaldi biscuits. They are not, in any way, the same thing, other than having the surname "biscuit", and certainly not 100% interchangeable in any given situation. Lettuce is also healthier than Custard Creams, so you might as well list that instead. For more biscuity information, visit nicecupofteaandasitdown.com, or better yet, buy the book - genuinely one of the finest paper-based acquisitions you can make.