With Christmas and other pagan-inspired holidays coming up, the eternal dilemma of what in the world do you get for the [insert identifier of relative/friend here] who has everything inevitably comes up. This year, it's fairly simple. There's one product that really not very many people have, but has some degree of utility for around 100% of the world's population.

After all, who hasn't sat on "the throne" in their time wishing they could shape their solid excrement into something more attractive than a bog-standard (haha) dump without getting their fingers even a bit messy?

Enter stage-left the Turd Twister. For anyone who happens to watch adverts for children's toys, this system works along the lines of the Play-Doh Fun Factory, albeit with slightly more advanced safety features included in the guise of the Safe-T-Floss retraction cord and the E-Z Grip Sphincter Lok.

Upon reception of said article the first stage is to decide what shape of derriere-chocolate you would like to output. Think tubular, but customised in shape in terms of the height and width dimension. The Poorhouse likes the look of teddy-turd but novices may wish to start off with the more free-flowing love-turd. The Wiener turd is presumably for those who like squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle.

Load the device with your chosen template, and then insert the entire contraption into your rear end, suppository-style. Then take a seat on the water-closet – unless you have very good reason not to – and squeeze one out. Cover your nose and up-end yourself so you can proudly admire your work. Exhibitionists amongst you might like to send your wares (well, a photo of them would probably be more appropriate) to Rate My Poo for comment and anal-ysis. Warning: ratemypoo.com is not suitable for those with a weak stomach or any degree of good taste.